Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
