good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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