Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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