I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
