i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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