my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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