So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
