I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
