he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
