i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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