at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
