All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
