its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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