i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
