I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
