I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
