my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
whose ass print is on the piano?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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