I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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