I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
