Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
tell me about the eggs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize