so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
