I will die if light touches me.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
