The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
