smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
