I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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