im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
