My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize