i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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