My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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