My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
