For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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