I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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