I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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