They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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