DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
