Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
