I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
