I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
