If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
