the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
