one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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