My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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