Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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