I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
