Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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