Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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