The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
