Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize