he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
