Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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