Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
