Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Randomize
