Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
