I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
