everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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