So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
