from now on my penis is your penis
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
