she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
