i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
