i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
