He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
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