I accidentally had phone sex last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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