puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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